The Kinky 'Good Guy' Dilemma
TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains candid descriptions of child sexual abuse and incest, and other forms of sexual violence.
I've managed to date regularly for most of my life, but I usually come home from a date borderline giddy to log on to Pornhub and search the real rough stuff I wasn't getting with my partner. This pattern makes me feel like the last thing I am is a "good" guy, but I am good at faking it.
In fact, who I am with the women I date and who I am with my Costco bottle of Lubriderm are so divergent, they make Jekyll and Hyde look like identical twins. I'm here to share the consequences of my Jekyll (“good guy”) behavior around these women, all the while waiting to release the Hyde (rough stuff). I’m using fake names for these women, of course.
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Emma
I met Emma on Tinder back when Tinder wasn't a hotspot for Russian hackers. She was cute, and down to get physical on the first date. When we started dating, she used to make me go with her to the bathroom. While I was confused at first, I was down with it. I love jumping right into relationships and getting to know girls’ deepest darkest, and I figured there was meaning behind our “bathroom parties.” Soon, she told me she had been gang raped in a bathroom when she was in high school. This revelation actually gave helpful context for some of her idiosyncratic behavior, like why she was very shy about nudity, very prudish about fetish and kink, and was clingy out of bed.
I remember one night I had gone to the bathroom sleepy-eyed. As I'm pissing sitting down, I look over and see her standing there in the dark. Hair in front of her face. Not saying a word. Since one of my greatest fears is cute girls possessed by demons, it's safe to say I freaked the fuck out. But I cared enough about her to calmly escort her back to bed and tickle her back until she fell asleep again.
Truth is, I've masturbated to a simulated non-con, gangbang in a bathroom, similar to what she actually went through. But I also would never intentionally hurt Emma or be another name on the list of men who have hurt her. So, I assumed the role of protector; of the sweet, nice guy trying to break her out of her shell. Problem was, I also wanted to slap her in the face as I cum in her open eyes. As the months went on, I couldn't rectify the contrast between my desire to be her savior and my urge to “destroy” her, and we broke up. She was just too sweet and had so much emotional baggage, and I felt that I couldn't be the guy that she needed.
* * *
Mel
Mel was also a Tinder match (I have recently made an effort to meet women offline), and I first slept with her 3 weeks prior to moving across the country.
In high school, she was raped by her ex-boyfriend, and had externalized her trauma in the form of cutting. I thought the scars on her arms were sexy, and I told her so. She was attractive both physically and sexually, eager to satisfy my deepest depravities. Mel loved pain. She wanted me to choke her, slap her, bind her, and bite her. A couple of days before I left, we tried wax torture. I tied her to my coffee table and used some leftover candles from Hanukkah to drip hot wax all over her torso and breasts. Turns out colored wax melts at hotter temperatures than sex candle wax, and I accidentally scarred her for months. The worst part, however, is that a couple of days later she told me she loved me and would follow me to New York; to which, my response was a resounding “no thanks.”
Herein lies my dilemma: because I was accepting of her traumatic past and didn’t see her as some “broken toy,” she felt safer and more emotionally connected to me - and even fell in love with me. And because I was scratching my kinky itch, I let it happen – playing the part beautifully. With Mel, I wasn’t battling a contradiction within, but rather the contradiction between who I am as a kinkster juxtaposed against my image relative to the men who hurt and traumatized her.
It wasn’t my intention to use her like the rest of them, but I also didn’t want to take it upon myself to change her perception of men. It’s too much responsibility. It is a shame that so many men have shifted the pendulum so drastically, that rough sex, rape, and casual sex are lumped together on one side and chivalry, tender missionary, and relationships on the other. The polarity between the two leaves me searching for a woman who I don’t feel too emotionally burdened by because of her traumatic past, but who also will let me hang her from her ankles for a couple of days with a vibrator fastened to her clit.
* * *
Vicky
Vicky and I worked together for about a year. We actually started hooking up after our conversations diverged from workplace banter to talking about our kinks. Like me, she is into BDSM and DD/LG. Sadly, like both Emma and Mel, she had also been raped in the past. On top of which, she’s been married to two physically abusive men and when she was a child, she was regularly molested by her grandfather in her sleep.
Unlike Emma and Mel, she was jaded to abuse. So much so, that she refused to believe that any kind gesture was more than a veil over man’s inherent sadism. Vicky encouraged rough objectivity and frequently baited me into non-consensual type acts like taking sleeping pills and falling asleep while I was inside her.
I can’t say it wasn’t a turn-on, but at a certain point I also wanted something that resembled “normal” sex. Her faith in mankind was justifiably lacking and her kinks were never quelled, which prohibited me from being anyone other than a sadistic dom with her. Once again, I am faced with the contrast between the man I want to be and the man I am.
* * *
How do I distance myself from the archetypes of bad men without taking on the weight of living up to an impossible standard of righteous manhood?
Is it possible to find a sexually deviant woman without a history of trauma? Perhaps instead of looking for the right piece to fit my puzzle, I need to look inward and see if perhaps I am the one whose traumatic past is closing me off to the perfect match.
Discussion Questions for Readers:
Our whole purpose is fostering conversation on vulnerable topics, and growing a healthier masculinity. We encourage you to reflect on these questions, or ask them to other men in your life.
1) Kinky Good Guys: Have you ever judged, or been judged, by a partner for your sexual fantasies?
Have you ever been afraid to communicate your fantasies with a partner?
Do you think having “dark” fantasies can make you a “bad” person, or what does it say about us if we like things rough?
Do you ever feel like you’re “faking” being a “good guy” because of your degrading fantasies?
2) Trauma’s Effect on Relationships: What experiences do you have with partners who have experienced trauma?
Have you ever triggered someone accidentally?
Do you ever feel like Corbon, where you feel extra responsibility because of someone’s sensitivities? What level of responsibility do you accept as anyone’s partner to their process of healing?
What are healthy ways to engage and support with someone else’s trauma?
If this is your first Real Men Share discussion or it’s been a while, we strongly encourage you to read and use our Discussion Guide (especially beneficial if you can do it in a group).